Hey Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two out of work bums decided that they would be better off in a more downtown location so they hitched a ride. The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district.

A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy, would you like a hand job?"

The bum shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"

A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said, "Hey guy, would you like a blow job?"

The bum again shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"

After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We'd better go back where we came from. We've only been here 10 minutes and we've been offered two jobs already!"

A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore." "Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says. "Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it." The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars." The manager looks at the check and then more...

Arriving in HeavenThree men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter. St. Peter: Hi, what's your name? Paul: My name is Paul. St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning? Paul: 120K. St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money? Paul: I was a lawyer. St. Peter: That's great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what's your name? Roger: My name is Roger. St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning? Roger: 60K. St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living? Roger: I was an accountant. St. Peter: That's very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what's your name? John: My name is John. St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died? John: About $23, 000. St. Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said,' Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear.
One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.
"Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!"
"Not now! I'm eating."
"Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important."
"No way."
"Please. It's urgent."
So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.
"Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?"
"Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of the river."

Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes (from TV's' Cheers')
--------------------------------------------------

' Can I draw you a beer, Norm? '
' No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.'

' How's a beer sound, Norm?'
' I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.'

' What's shaking, Norm?'
' All four cheeks and a couple of chins.'

' What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?'
' Going Down?'

' What's new, Normie?'
' Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're
demanding beer.'

' What'll it be, Normie?'
' Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.'

' What would you say to a beer, Normie?'
' Daddy wuvs you.'

' What'd you like, Normie?'
' A reason to live. Give me another beer.'

' What'll you have, Normie?'
' Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a
glass of whatever comes out more...

There is a army ranger in Japan and he is wearing a T shirt saying " Marines suck! " Sure enough two marines come up behind him and ask " Hey, whats with the shirt? " The ranger says " And Marines cant read aswell " The marines say " What?! I dont think I heard you correctly " The ranger says " And they cant hear aswell " The marines buddy ( Another marine ) Asks the ranger to come outside.

So the ranger goes with them. About five miniutes later, the ranger walks back in the bar and orders a beer. The bar keep asks: " Hey, what happend out there? Where are the marines? " The ranger replies " Well, the are stupid too, they decided to bring knives to a gun fight "