Hilarious Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man is driving down the road somewhat erratically. A cop notices this and pulls him over. He walks up to the window and says:

"Sir, I believe you`re drunk. I`m going to administer a breathalyzer test"

Man, sheepishly: "Oh, I`m sorry officer, I`m a severe asthmatic, and I don`t have my inhaler with me... if I blow into that thing I could have an attack and die"

Cop, a little distrustful: "Uh, yeah... well, this is more invasive, but if you won`t submit to a breathalyzer, I`m going to have to take you down to the station and take some blood sample"

Man: "Yeah, well, see, the thing is, I`m a terrible hemophiliac, and so I can`t give blood... I might die"

Cop, clearly frustrated: "Alright buddy, well, this is imprecise, but I`m going to have to have you get out of your vehicle and walk this line heel-toe"

Man: "Oh, I`m sorry officer, I can`t do that, I`m drunk."

An army camp in an Afghanistan desert had just received a new commander. During his first inspection he saw a camel tied to a tree just outside the camp.

The commander asked what the camel is for, and one of the soldiers said that sometimes the men get very lonely since there aren`t any women there, and when they do, they usually use the camel.

The commander goes about and doesn`t even think about it, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men brought the camel inside his tent and the commander went to work on it.

After about an hour the commander came out, zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No sir, we usually just use the camel to ride into town."

A panda walks into a diner, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn`t even pay for your sandwich!"

"Hey, man, I`m a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"
The manager opens his encyclopedia and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwelling mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Two women were sitting in the doctor`s waiting room comparing notes on their
various disorders. "I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible." "I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That`s why I`m here. I`m going to have a baby in three months." "You must tell me what you did." "I went to a faith healer." "But I`ve tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it didn`t help a bit." The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie." &

A German Shepherd Dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. ”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price. ”

“But, ” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all. ”

A guy walks into a bar with a sad look on his face. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "What`s the matter?"
The guy replies, "well I`ve got these two horses, and you see... I can`t tell them apart. I don`t know if I`m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right food."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something that he can do. "Why don`t you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I`ll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What`s the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The guy, sobbing, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can`t tell them apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "Why don`t you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not more...

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man`s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You`re finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And more...