Hilarious Jokes / Recent Jokes

wanted to purchase a gift for his new
sweetheart`s birthday and as they had not been dating
very long, after careful consideration, he decided a
pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic
but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart`s
younger sister, he went to Nordstrom`s and bought a
pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of
panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and
the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart
got the panties.
Without checking the contents, the young man sealed
the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the
following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in
the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.
If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen
the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones
that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade,
but the more...

There was a cat and a mouse who went to heaven, and they were there at the same time. Well, the mouse approaches God`s throne, and God asks him, "So, how do you like it up here?" The mouse says, "It`s nice, but could I get a pair of roller skates?" God says, "Sure." So, the mouse gets his roller skates. Well, the next day, the cat approaches God`s throne, and the same question is directed at him. So, he answers, "It`s great! I didn`t know you had meals on wheels up here!"

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he`s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. MODERN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he`s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor more...

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news for you. Patient: well you might as well tell me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have twenty four hours to live, Patient: 24 HOURS! WHAT COULD BE WORSE? what`s the very bad news? Doctor: I`ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a
water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen
another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was
chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you
are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both
three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a
minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the
bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and
immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of
the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear`s second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all
the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it
and more...

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blond, woman neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I`ve got mail!"

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomach is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. “Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. “But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it? ” A old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding Cake!