Himself Jokes / Recent Jokes

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read:
Lose weight
Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 208-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the man responded, 'Ten pounds.'
The voice replied, 'Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.'.
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing more...

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender does just as the drunk requested and hands the man a bill for $57.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender gets angry and throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it. He gets furious, picks the guy up and hurls him out into the more...

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chain saw shop and asks about various chaiin saws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chain saw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chain saw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chain saw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut more...

Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the "same" bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.

The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the more...

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read:Lose weightOnly $1.00 a poundCall (202) 208-0238The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the man responded, 'Ten pounds.'The voice replied, 'Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.'.About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When more...

Once upon a time there was a man, he lived in the woods. The woods got cold in the winter, and burning up in the summer. But in the spring and fall it was just right.
He lived alone, so he was always bored. He sometimes read a book, drew, or just sat on the middle of his cabin floor staring at stuff, since he didn't have cable.
The man had never had sex either so he always wondered how to do it. He had had directions along time ago from his mom and dad, but he couldn't remember all of them.
The man finally figured out how to do it. The only problem was that he had no woman to screw, so he thought up a plan.
He was to go to the city. But the city was 100 miles away, he had no car, and he had never been there, so he had no idea what to do. All he knew was that he had to go east.
So the man went east and ended up in the middle of the city.
He went automaticlly to a hooker and said I'll pay you to give me sex, the woman said okay!
They got to a hotel room and more...

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender does just as the drunk requested and hands the man a bill for $57.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender gets angry and throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it. He gets furious, picks the guy up and hurls him out into the more...