Himself Jokes / Recent Jokes
Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world
in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet,
Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the
Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read:
Lose weight
Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the
other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the man
responded, 'Ten pounds.'
The voice replied, 'Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll
have a representative over to your house in the morning.'.
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There
stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign
around her neck stating, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas,
through the kitchen, all around the more...
The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attractand bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even consideringtrying to establish a relationship instead of just a one nightstand. But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't alreadyin one."I can't help feeling that we've met before." he said."Yeah, I know." sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to mea lot. I think they call this 'deja screw'.
Once there was this hunter, out in the forest, hunting bears.
As the hunter approached a clearing in the forest, he saw a bear. One of the biggest bears he'd ever seen. So he crouches down behind a largish rock, takes careful aim with his shotgun, and fires. After the smoke clears, he runs down to the clearing, and the bear's body is gone!
He searches the clearing, but to no avail. Then there's a tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. The hunter looks around, and it's the bear! "You just tried to kill me, didn't you?". Says the bear."Uh, no. No I didn't". The hunter, taken aback by a talking bear, lies."Yes you did. Don't lie, or I'll rip your arms off" "Uh, yeah, yeah I did." "Alright", says, the bear, "I'll let you go if you do one thing for me." "What's that?", inquires the hunter. "Give me a head-job." "What??" "On your knees" So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the more...
A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung more...
There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, ”That was a karate chop from Korea. ”
The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him, ”That was a karate chop from China. ”
The little guy got up and decided he wasn’t going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he’s on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender, ”Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears! ”
A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, she doesn't work for Delta.
A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off of the list.
Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"
This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what the fu*k do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "Ahhh, Air Canada".
A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked theguy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, thatsmy wifes seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, butnow my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was reallytoo bad he couldnt find some relative to give the ticket to so they couldenjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said, "theyre all at the funeral."