Hold Jokes / Recent Jokes
Outrageous Flirting Lines
You can't be real. May I pinch you to see if I'm dreaming? Hey, didn't we go to different high schools? There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. At last! I finally found the perfect girl! A fool and his money are soon my boyfriend. Do your legs hurt from running in my dreams all night? Is it hot in here or is it just you? If I follow you home, will you keep me? The best way to hold a man is in your arms. If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? If love is the answer...can you repeat the question? I'm writing a telephone book. May I have your number? Flattery will get you everywhere! Keep talking. I know I'm not Mr. Right, but would you settle for Mr. Right Now? But you're so *cute* when you blush! All those curves, and me with no brakes. I don't approve of your objectives, but I love your methods. Please be patient-this is my first time. May we more...
There was this old man who was really horny. So he decided that he would buy a prostitute. He goes to the whore house and pays his money and requests his merchandise. The girl though looks at the pruny old man and refuses. She tells the Madam of the house that if he paid her a million dollars that she woudn't sleep with him. But in the end the Madam convinces her and they do the DEED... Well the girl finds out to her surprise that the old man is really good and she wouldn't mind going at it again. She tells him this and he says okay but you have do something for me first. Since he really pleased her she tells him that sure she will do anything he asks. He tells her to hold his balls perfectly in place without moving either of them an inch for 5 minutes while he takes a nap. Well she's confused by the request but she does what he asks. Well when he finally wakes up he tells her that he is ready. They do it again and in fact it is better than last time. more...
Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.
Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never put all your eggs in your pocket.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time.
Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never tell them what you wouldn't do.
The madam of a bawdy house answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbi's garb.
"May I come in?" asked the rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice.
Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we-"
"I know what you do here," interrupted the rabbi. "you don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls."
Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line up. The rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed,
"Good! I'll take those."
The rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off more...
The story begins in a Colombo suburb........ the mother was very concerned that her middle-aged son has not shown the slightest indication of getting married.
So one day she called her son to her house.
The son came home from work, grudgingly. Upon arriving, he found that his mother had gathered a few beautiful ladies at the house for him to choose as his future bride.
The first one was a well-endowed telephonist-cum-receptionist. He
immediately commented that:
"Aiyoo amma, they always say.... PLEASE HOLD ON, HOLD ON........"
The second nominee was a leggy secretary. This was rejected also. Reason being: - "Aiyoo... amma, secretary are always fond of saying " PLEASE SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN...."
By this time, the mother is nearing frustration. She called a sweet but plain-looking teacher. The son suddenly agreed!! The mother was surprised and asked, "Why this one? The previous two were a lot more better more...
Do Or Say If You Wake Up To Your Roommate Having Sex
50. (the obvious) "Ooooooo"
49. "That would work better the other way around. ."
48. Sniff. Sniff. "Is something burning?"
47. "Damn, that's complicated."
46. "Wait, wait, use my pillow."
45. "Alright already, _I_came."
44. "You guys need a value pak."
43. Smoke a pipe. Every once in a while wave it around and say "Good show, old bean."
42. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?"
41. "You've got something stuck in your teeth."
40. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."
39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change positions.
38. "You know, they say that three's a charm."
37. Suggest your favorite position.
36. Shine a flashlight on them and say, "This is a citizen's arrest, more...
Do Or Say If You Wake Up To Your Roommate Having Sex50. (the obvious) "Ooooooo"49. "That would work better the other way around. ."48. Sniff. Sniff. "Is something burning?"47. "Damn, that's complicated."46. "Wait, wait, use my pillow."45. "Alright already, _I_came."44. "You guys need a value pak."43. Smoke a pipe. Every once in a while wave it around and say "Good show, old bean."42. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?"41. "You've got something stuck in your teeth."40. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change positions. 38. "You know, they say that three's a charm."37. Suggest your favorite position. 36. Shine a flashlight on them and say, "This is a citizen's arrest, assume the position."35. "Bring in the Gimp."34. "Hold more...