Hole Jokes / Recent Jokes

God and Moses were out golfing. They were both doing well. Then they came up to the 5th hole.

It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit a long shot with a little hook. Right in the middle of the fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver.

Then Moses said,"God, everytime you use you driver you always slice it."

So God said, "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it." So he approched the ball. Got ready, then hit a long one. It drifted to the right, SPLISH! Right in the middle of the lake.

So Moses said, "See God, I told you that would happen. I'll get it this time but you'll have to get it next time." So Moses went out to the lake, held up his club, and parted the lake. Then he went down, picked up the ball, and came back. After that, everything was going fine.

Until the 18th hole, straight away, with a long lake on the right. Moses hit a nice straight shot down more...

A keen but unskilled golfer plays the same course every week, and has particular trouble with the water trap on the 14th hole, losing a ball in it every time he plays that hole. One round he decides that this process is too expensive and decides to use an old cut-up ball instead of a good ball. He opens his bag and gets the old ball, tees it up and addresses it. Just as he commences his backswing, a mighty voice comes from on high: 'USE THE NEW BALL...' Figuring any advice from such a source should be worth following, he picks up the old ball and tees up the new one again. He starts his backswing, but once again is interrupted by a voice from the sky: 'TAKE A PRACTICE SWING..' The man steps away from the ball and rehearses his swing. Just as he steps forward to readdress the ball, the voice speaks again: 'USE THE OLD BALL.'

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.
His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.
He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Joe and John were identical twins.
Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.
One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it.
He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.
A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her."
"She was a rotten old thing from the beginning."
"Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish."
"She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in more...

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "Whatcha doing, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

While Walking In The Highlands Santa Fell Down A Deep Hole.
Banta: R U Ok?
Santa: Yeah!
Banta: Did U Break Anything?
Santa: No, There's Nothing Down Here

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?" "Well, we work for the county government, " one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Are n't you wasting the county's money?" "You don't understand, more...