Honor Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.

A lady about eight months pregnant got on to a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the man's smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He now seemed very amused. She moved a fourth time and the man burst out laughing. She complained of this to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man; about 20 years old, what he had to say for himself. Very amusing... The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said "The Double Mint Twins are coming", and I grinned. Then she moved again and sat under a sign that said "Slogan's liniment will reduce the Swelling", and I had to smile. Then she moved and placed herself under a sign that said, "Wrigley's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. But, your Honor, when she moved more...

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

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and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?"(to the 2nd more...

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why? " asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for? "
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian. His lawyer argued, "Your Honor, my client has been driving for over twenty-five years."
"Your Honor," the plaintiff's lawyer retored, "if this case is going to be judged by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over sixty years!"

A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.
His lawyer argued, "Your Honor, my client has been driving for over twenty-five years."
"Your Honor," the plaintiff's lawyer retored, "if this case is going to be judged by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years!"

Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.
The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the spot.
The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"
Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!"