Honor Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
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and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to
the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor I more...

A man who was chosen for jury duty wanted very much to be dismissed from serving. He tried just about every excuse he could come up with, but nothing worked.
On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more try. Just as the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, "I feel I must be excused from this trial since I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those sneaky, beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said,' He's a crook! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!' Therefore, your Honor, I could not possibly remain on this jury."
Glaring at him, the Judge replied, "Get yourself back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer!"

A little old lady appearing before the judge on a murder charge was explaining the events that led up to the crime.
"Your Honor, I'm 85 years old. I was sitting out on my porch enjoying a beautiful Spring evening when a young man crept up and sat down beside me. He began to rub my thigh and it felt very good.
Then, Your Honor, he began to rub my poor, old breasts. My goodness, I hadn't felt that good in years so I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, take me, young man!"
The old woman continued, "Next thing I knew, the bastard yelled out "April Fool" and that, Your Honor, is when I shot the son of a bitch!"

(This joke courtesy of orchestral trumpeter Michael Bowman)
A judge, a bishop, and a conductor were having a discussion. All three
were rather vain men, and their talk soon turned to the question of which
of them was the greatest.
"Well," said the judge, "my position is one of dignity and power. When
I walk into the courtroom, the bailiff says 'All rise!' and all the people
stand to pay me honor."
"That's very nice," said the bishop. "People stand in your honor; but
when people have an audience with me they kneel, kiss my ring, and they
address me as 'Your Holiness.'"
The conductor snorted and said, "I think I got you both beat; when I
step onto the podium, as guest conductor, the people look down, put their
hands over their eyes, and say 'Oh, my God!'"

Your Honor," said the distraught woman, pointing to her husband, "he won't give me enough money to feed and clothe our four children."
"Young lady," the judge announced, "I'm going to see to it that you get at least a hundred dollars a week."
At this, the husband jumped up and exclaimed: "That's mighty kind of you, your Honor. And I'll try to give her a couple of bucks myself."

A FRIEND OF MINE HAS AN 18 YEAR OLD SON NAMED LEROY. HE ATTENDS OAKLAND HIGH SCHOOL WHERE THEY TEACH EBONICS AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. LAST WEEK HE WAS GIVEN AN EASY HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT. ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS PUT EACH OF THE FOLLOWING WORDS IN A SENTENCE. THIS IS WHAT LEROY DID.1. RECTUM: I HAD TWO CADILLACS, BUT MY OL'LADY RECTUM BOTH.2. HOTEL: I GAVE MY GIRLFRIEND DA CRABS AND THE HOTEL EVERYBODY.3. ODYSSEY: I TOLD MY BRO, YOU ODYSSEY THE JUGS ON THIS HOE.4. STAIN: MY MOTHER-IN-LAW AXED IF I WAS STAIN FOR DINNER AGAIN.5. SELDOM: MY COUSIN GAVE ME TWO TICKETS TO THE KNICKS GAME, SO I SELDOM.6. PENIS: I WENT TO DA DOCTOR AND HE HANDED ME A CUP AND SAID PENIS.7. CATACOMB: DON KING WAS AT THE FIGHT THE OTHER NIGHT, MAN, SOMEBODY GIVE THAT CATACOMB.8. FORCLOSE: IF I PAY ALIMONY THIS MONTH, I'LL HAVE NO MONEY FORCLOSE.9. UNDERMINE: THERE IS A FINE LOOKIN' HOE LIVIN' IN THE APARTMENT UNDERMINE.10. TRIPOLI: I WAS GONNA BUY MY OLD LADY A BRA BUT I COULDN'T FINE NO TRIPOLI.12. DISAPPOINTMENT: MY more...

Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
A: A huddle.

Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving?
A: The police.

Q: Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
A: It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.

The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the cowboys play better on "grass."

The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System", Yes your Honor, No your Honor.

The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year, 12 arrests, 5 convictions.

The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran

Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights.