Hope Jokes / Recent Jokes

Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?" "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind." "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you." "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?" "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me." "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister." "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..." "Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!" "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again." "Someday I more...

Teacher: I hope I didn't see you copying the test from your friend.
Student: I hope you didn't either

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

Relatives gathered in the waiting room of a hospital as their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I`m afraid I`m the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It`s an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope." "Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5, 000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile; avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more...

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."2. Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"5. After a particularly rough landing more...

I've hated your looks from the stare they gave me. Don't you need a license to be that ugly? Moonlight becomes you -- total darkness even more! Someone took a photo of you once, but it didn't turn out. You could be seen too clearly. So you finally managed to get the last laugh [word] a long time ago. You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one. The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you. I hear you were born on April 2 a day too late! I hope you never get a tetanus shot maybe you'll windup with lockjaw. I you are in your right mind, I hope you go insane! If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move? Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in more...