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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"The man below says: "Yes, youre in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.""You must work in Technical Support," says the balloonist."I do," replies the man. "How did you know?""Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless."The man below says: "You must be in management.""I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?""Well", says the man, "you dont know where you are, or where youre going, but you expect me to be able to help. Youre still in the same position you were before we met, but now its my fault."

To my dear wife, During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often. We will wake the children....... 17 times It's too late....... 15 times I'm too tired....... 5 times It's too early....... 52 times It's too hot....... 15 times Pretending to be asleep....... 49 times Window open the neighbours will hear....... 9 times Backache....... 2 times Headache....... 16 times Sunburnt....... 10 times Your mother will hear us....... 6 times Not in the mood....... 21 times Will wake the baby....... 17 times Watching the late TV show....... 7 times Too sore....... 9 times New hairdo....... 4 times Wrong time of the month....... 4 times You had to go to the toilet....... 9 timesOn the 36 occasions that I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 14 more...

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.

Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.

A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"

A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Saturday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water.
He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and painful. His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling."
He tried switching to cold water and the swelling rapidly subsided. On Sunday afternoon he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better."
"Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it. My maid said to use hot water."

Dear Santa,
I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply. I want to slap Martha Stewart.
Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all.
Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced more...

A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. Spotting a man down below, he reduces height and shouts:' Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?' The man below says:' Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.'

'You must work in engineering!' says the balloonist.' I do,' replies the man.' How did you know?'

'Because,' says the balloonist,' everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone.'

'You, my friend,' says the man below,' must work in management.'

'I do' replies the balloonist,' but how did you know?'

'Because,' says the man below,' you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it's my fault.'