House Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

Two rednecks decide that they aren't going anywhere in life and think
they should go to college to get ahead.
The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math,
History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you
own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replies the
professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have
a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously
catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual," more...

If architects had to work like programmers. . .

Dear Mr. Architect,

Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.

My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.

Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).

As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of more...

1. You've ever cut your grass and found a car. 2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. 3. You think the stock market has a fence around it. 4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater. 5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu. 6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 7. You own a homemade fur coat. 8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns. 9. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so Ican take a bath." 11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in." 12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. 13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. 14. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. 15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call fromthe Governor to spare a loved one. 16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hallbecause of her language. 17. Someone more...

A man selling carpet called a home and a little boy with a whisper answered the phone the man introduced himself to the child and asked if he could speak to his father the little boy said, "no" the man asked why not? The little boy exclaimed, " He`s busy" so the man asked to speak with his mother, the little boy said, "no" the man asked why not? The little boy said, "She's busy" so the man asked if there were any other grown ups in the house. The little boy said, " yes a policeman and a fireman" the man asked to speak to the policeman the little boy said, "no" He`s busy so the man asked to speak to the fireman and the little boy said, "no" He`s busy so the man puzzled said, there are four grownups in your house and they are all busy, do you mind if I ask what are they doing? The little boy still in a whisper says " yah they are looking for me"

Their was this man that was an accountant for the mob. He happened to be deaf and mute. While working for the mob he collected over 500,000 dollars by stealing from the books. The mob boss finds out about this and sends two hitmen to his house. Since the accountant was deaf and mute his brother translated what his brother said. Hitman 1: where is the money? Accountant signs he does not know Brother: he said he does not know Hitman 2: tell us where the money is or we will kill your wife and kids, burn down your house, and castrate you! Accountant signs fast and furiously that the money is in a safe that is hidden in the floor board of his closet and gives the combination. Hitman 1: what did he say? Brother: you don't have the balls!

A Mr. Dillon walks into a psychiatrists office with his wife. She tells him "All he ever thinks about it sex, sex, sex, and I'm tired of it!!! We've been to 3 other doctors, and they couldn't help, so now it's in your hands."
The wife leaves, and the doctor starts right in. The doctor tries to get him to talk about his childhood, but it he soon starts talking about
sex.
Next he tries to get Mr. Dillon to talk about his job, but once again, the talk turns to sex. The good doctor tries a variety of approaches:
Hobbies - "Sex!"
Sports - "Sex!"
Fishing - "Sex!"
Dreams - "Sex!"
He even tries the 'inkblot' test, but to no avail. - "Sex!"
At this, the doctor believes he has hit on something - That every subject has been too general; So he decides to show him pictures of specific things.
First, he shows him a picture of a car. - "Sex!"
Next, a picture of a boat. - more...