Humphrey Jokes

I got this joke from a gentle soul from South Africa:
A couple of old ladies are sitting on the patio in a retirement home. Both are bored.
Mabel: Nothing happens here, all the men are half-dead and no fun!
Doris: I agree. Let's do something that will jerk them into action!
So Mabel agrees to streak down the corridor and attract the attention of the old men that are sitting there sunning themselves.
She does this and the following conversation insues between Harold and Humphrey...
Harold: Humphrey, old boy, was that Mabel that I saw running past...
Humphrey: Hmm, I think so. Couldn't say for sure.
Harold: My eyes aren't too good these days. What was she wearing?
Humphrey: Hmm, couldn't say for sure, but whatever it was it was in need of ironing!

Humphrey comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Humphrey.
The guard says, "Well, we'll see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Humphrey overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Humphrey, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Humphrey.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Humphrey, and watches him cross the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events repeated everyday more...

I can't remember where I read this several years ago but it was
alleged to have really happened.
Back when Hubert Humphrey was active in politics, he and his campaign
manager took a few days for a fishing trip in Northern Minnesota.
While they were in a small town, a bus-load of tourists pulled in.
The manager suggested that this was a good opportunity to impress a
few voters and that he should go on the bus and "pump them up" a
bit, then Humphrey could go shake everybody's hand. This sounded
good so the manager got on the bus. However instead of introducing
his candidate he pretended to be the mayor welcoming everybody to
town. Then looking towards Humphrey he said, "I guess I should
mention that we have a guy here who thinks he's Hubert Humphrey, and
he does look and talk an awful lot like Hubert Humphrey. But he's
a harmless fellow and we kind of like him, so we'd appreciate it if
you would just kind of be nice more...