Mabel Jokes

I got this joke from a gentle soul from South Africa:
A couple of old ladies are sitting on the patio in a retirement home. Both are bored.
Mabel: Nothing happens here, all the men are half-dead and no fun!
Doris: I agree. Let's do something that will jerk them into action!
So Mabel agrees to streak down the corridor and attract the attention of the old men that are sitting there sunning themselves.
She does this and the following conversation insues between Harold and Humphrey...
Harold: Humphrey, old boy, was that Mabel that I saw running past...
Humphrey: Hmm, I think so. Couldn't say for sure.
Harold: My eyes aren't too good these days. What was she wearing?
Humphrey: Hmm, couldn't say for sure, but whatever it was it was in need of ironing!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Mabel.
Mabel who?
Mabel doesn't ring either...

Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out &stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

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Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a BRISTOL."
The pharmacist fainted.

Mabel has a habit of racing up and down the halls of the nursing home in her wheelchair, making sounds like she's driving a car.
One day, as she's racing down the hall, an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you were speeding. May I see your driver's license, please."
Mabel digs around her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives Mabel a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me, ma'am, but I saw you cross the center line back there. May I see your registration, please."
She digs around her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, issues her another warning and sends her on her way.
Off she zooms again, up and down the halls, weaving all over the place.
As she comes to the old man's room again, he jumps out, but this time he's stark more...