Husband Jokes / Recent Jokes

A newly married couple was on holiday in the Middle East and they came upon the main city bazaar. They walked around the market place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard a gentleman say "you foreigners? Come in my friends. Come into my humble shop. Salam aleekem!" (hello in English) So the couple walked in. The bazaar merchant says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

After hearing this statement, the wife became intrigued and encouraged her husband to try them on. Her husband smirked and winked at his wife, with the comment, "I don't think I really need them." But since they were having fun in the bazaar, he asked the merchant, "So, how could sandals make you into a sex animal.?"

The merchant smiled and replied "Just try them on, my friend, trust me!" Well, in more...

Once there was an old couple who went to the doctor for their checkup. They were told that nothing was physically wrong with them, but that they were both suffering from memory loss, and may want to start writing things down.
That night when the couple is at home watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Where are you going?" the curious wife asks.
"To the kitchen."
"Okay. Can you get me something while you're in there?"
"Sure. What?"
"I'd like some ice cream please."
The man starts to walk into the kitchen. The wife asks, "Shouldn't you write it down?"
"Nah. I don't need to. You want ice cream. I can remember that."
"Wait. I just remembered. I want strawberries on it too. Shouldn't you write it down? I'm not sure you can remember all of that."
"I told you, I've got it. So you want ice cream with strawberries on top?
"Yes. And oh! I'd like some more...

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband" When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

My wife says that the difference between a husband and childbirth is that one can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he more...

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. "Don't let me spoil a good time for you," she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, "I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around." She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched.There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them. She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very more...