Husband Jokes / Recent Jokes

Examples of unclear writing. Sentences taken from actual letters received by the Local Welfare Department from applicants.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one was baptized on half a sheet of paper.
I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who was missing, is dead.
This is my eigth child. What are you going to do about it?
Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I now live with can't eat or do anything until he knows.
I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son as illeterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this more...

The doctor came out of the operating room to talk with the man's wife. "I don't like the looks of your husband," he said.
"Neither do I," said the wife, "but he's not home much, and he's great with the kids."

Dave Barry on your husband's midlife crisis:
If your husband is exhibiting signs of a midlife crisis, at first you should try to humor him. If he wants to buy a ludicrously impractical sports car, tell him you think it's a terrific idea.
If he wants to wear "younger" clothes, help him pick them out.
If he wants to start seeing other women, shoot him in the head.

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside more...

Thursday night her husband comes home and says that he has been invited on a fishing trip this weekend with his boss and it would get him the bounse that he had been waiting for.
So if she would pack his bag and put out his tackle box in the morning he would pick it up and would se be sure to pack his new blue silk pajama's.
the wife thinking that it was alittle fishy she did as he said.
when her husband came home he said they had caught a lot of fish. But then asked why she had not packed his new blue silk pajama's?
I did the wife said they were in your tackel box!

Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office.Why? Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"__________________________________________Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet! __________________________________________Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap! __________________________________________Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"Husband to wife: "Golfing more...

Arriving home a day early from a business trip, a man got into a taxi at the airport just after midnight. While enroute he asked the driver if he would be a witness, since he suspected his wife was having an affair and expected to catch her in the act.
The driver agreed. When they arrived at the man's house, they both tiptoed into the bedroom and turned on the lights. The husband rushed over to the bed, threw back the covers and found his wife in bed with another man.
As the husband held a gun to the man's head, his wife screamed, "Don't hurt him. This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for that Porche I bought you? He did! Who do you think paid for our new yacht? He did!"
The husband looked over at the cab driver and asked, "What would you do in a case like this?"
"I'd cover him up fast before he catches cold!" replied the grinning driver.