Idea Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q what do you call a deer with no eyes?
A no idea
Q what do you call adeer with no eyes and no legs?
A still no idea
Q what do you call a deer with no eyes no legs and no genitalia?
A still no fucking idea

Dear Santa, How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the Christmas presents business business. Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are delivered. It's an impressive operation. I also like how you've got it to where when somebody says "Christmas presents," people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing advantage. Best of all, even though you're a huge success, people still don't know much about your private life. It's just rumors. That's so neat. I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example, when you're designing toys, only your elves know what you're doing, and you're way up there where nobody more...

' Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.' Gene Hill

' Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.' Dave Barry

' I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl.' Penny Ward Moser

' Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.' Groucho Marx.

' To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.' Aldous Huxley

' A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.' Robert Benchley

' Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.' Sue Murphy

' Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?' Unknown

' I more...

A young couple were on their way to the Justice of the Peace to get married when they had a fatal car accident. Waiting for St. Peter outside of heavens gate, they wondered whether they could possibly be married in heaven. When St. Peter showed up, they asked him if it would be possible. "I'm not sure, since this is the first time anyone has asked that question. Let me go and find out," St. Peter said.
The couple sat and waited for St. Peter to return with an answer. They waited and waited... for three months. During that time they began to wonder whether it was a good idea afterall, given the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it didn't work?" they pondered. "Would we be stuck together forever?"
Finally, St. Peter returned, looking quite bedraggled. "Yes," he informed them, "you can get married in heaven."
"Great," they replied, "but we've been thinking. What if it doesn't work out? Could we also get more...

MEAT -- Terry Bisson

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Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander in chief...

' They're made out of meat!'

'Meat?'

'Meat. They're made out of meat.'

'Meat?'

'There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat.'

'That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars.'

'They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines.'

'So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact.'

'They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines.'

'That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient more...

Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go. A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried: they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out. One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. When the big day arrived they set up all the monitoring equipment and moved out to a safe distance. The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer. BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!! The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second (2 miles away) was more...

Eight-year-old Anita brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good... mostly A`s and a couple of B`s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Anita is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." Anita`s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Anita because I would like to try it out on her mother