Imagine Jokes / Recent Jokes

Imagine the Creator as a stand up comedian - and at once the world becomes explicable.

Lease a Nuke!

Want power and respect? Want to influence the course of world events? Want to be on CNN every night? Tired of hum-drum conventional warfare and messy bio-chemical weapons? Want to watch the citizens of your favorite arcology squirm and sweat in constant nagging fear of instant and unexpected anhilation?

Lease a nuclear device!

In the wake of the former Soviet Union's demise, there are literally thousand of high-quality nuclear weapons complete with intercontinental delivery systems going unused.

Though these systems are indeed powerful and destructive weapons of war, they are most effective when used in a more passive role. The US and USSR have proven in years of research and actual testing that nuclear devices are most effective when merely targeting an enemy. Actual detonation is not normally necessary to acheive tremendous effect in the designated target's military, political, economic and social well more...

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little over 600
employees and has the following statistics?
3 have done time for assault
7 have been arrested for fraud
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
29 have been accused of spouse abuse
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
Which organisation is this you might ask?
(scroll down)
It's the 635 members of the British House of Commons, the same group
that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest
of us in line.

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."...I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants
to wash clothes on the last day of their life? -- Age 15Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -- Age 13Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. -- Age 10For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. -- Age 6Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the
biggest number you could come up with! -- Age 6As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes more...

Lease a Nuke! Want power and respect? Want to influence the course of world events? Want to be on CNN every night? Tired of hum-drum conventional warfare and messy bio-chemical weapons? Want to watch the citizens of your favorite arcology squirm and sweat in constant nagging fear of instant and unexpected anhilation? Lease a nuclear device! In the wake of the former Soviet Union's demise, there are literally thousand of high-quality nuclear weapons complete with intercontinental delivery systems going unused. Though these systems are indeed powerful and destructive weapons of war, they are most effective when used in a more passive role. The US and USSR have proven in years of research and actual testing that nuclear devices are most effective when merely targeting an enemy. Actual detonation is not normally necessary to acheive tremendous effect in the designated target's military, political, economic and social well being. Imagine the boost in national pride and morale when you more...

Redmond, Wash.
April 1, 1998
Microsoft today announced the newest addition to its popular Windows (TM) line of computer operating systems. Code named Atlantis, the newest offering will be officially known as Win' 00, pronounced Windows double zero.
At the gala press conference, complete with red, white, and blue lights bathing the stage, Bill Gates, President and CEO of Microsoft, personally made the announcement. Multicast to every corner of the world, Gates spoke to the huge crowd of computer press, as a 60 foot high video screen behind him showed his face, and Aerosmith sang their hit' Dream On' in the background.
"We are on the verge of the new millenium, and Microsoft is ready to lead the way into the new century. Just as we have been on the forefront of technology, claiming every advance in computing, we will now set the newest standard in the market. Taking the concept of the Virtual machine to its next logical evolutionary stage, our new operating more...

Can you...
imagine an imaginary menagerie manager
imagining managing an imaginary menagerie?