Improved Jokes / Recent Jokes

You know you're Castle Trash if......

Your shroud of Turin is painted on velvet
Your daughter's chastity belt has rusted
You can't afford a cod piece................ nobody notices
You have more sheep dogs than sheep
You sold your only horse to buy that jousting lance you just had to have...
The plague improved your complexion........... but only for a little while
The Pope sends you to the Crusades........... in Norway
Your armor is made from that foil that came with your chewing gum
Your wife is stronger than your plow horse... but the horse is prettier
The grail you brought home has "made in China" printed on the bottom
Your wife says you have the smallest turret in the kingdom
You won "most improved " at the tournament
They call your daughter made Marian
Your family crest is a chicken with a banner that says "peace before discomfort"
Your sheep seem strangely nervous more...

Season's Greetings,
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received more...

Jeff Foxworthy in the Middle ages
You know you're Castle Trash if...
Your shroud of Turin is painted on velvet Your daughter's chastity belt has rusted You can't afford a cod piece... nobody notices You have more sheep dogs than sheep You sold your only horse to buy that jousting lance you just had to have... The plague improved your complexion... but only for a little while The Pope sends you to the Crusades... in Norway Your armor is made from that foil that came with your chewing gum Your wife is stronger than your plow horse...but the horse is prettier The grail you brought home has "made in China" printed on the bottom Your wife says you have the smallest turret in the kingdom You won "most improved " at the tournament They call your daughter made Marian Your family crest is a chicken with a banner that says "peace before discomfort" Your sheep seem strangely nervous around your oldest son

Banta, "Preeto and I are going to get a divorce".
Santa was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together"
"Well" he said, "ever since we got married, Preeto has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."
"Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." Santa probed.
"Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
All our best heroes are losers.
The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine more...

You know you're Castle Trash if...... Your shroud of Turin is painted on velvetYour daughter's chastity belt has rustedYou can't afford a cod piece................ nobody noticesYou have more sheep dogs than sheepYou sold your only horse to buy that jousting lance you just had to have... The plague improved your complexion........... but only for a little whileThe Pope sends you to the Crusades........... in NorwayYour armor is made from that foil that came with your chewing gumYour wife is stronger than your plow horse... but the horse is prettierThe grail you brought home has "made in China" printed on the bottomYour wife says you have the smallest turret in the kingdomYou won "most improved " at the tournamentThey call your daughter made MarianYour family crest is a chicken with a banner that says "peace before discomfort"Your sheep seem strangely nervous around your oldest son

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for more...