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Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?" Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology." Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen. Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is' Microsoft'?" Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called' Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate." Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?" Data "Yes, Captain. But when' Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an' upgrade'. The use of resources increases more...

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including, but not limited to, the following:
Buying a stronger whip.
Changing riders.
Threatening the horse with termination.
Appointing a committee to study the horse.
Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.
Creating a training session to increase the rider's load share.
Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."
Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
Harness several dead more...

Dear Dr. RAM
I have a computer with a Pentium 133 CPU. I want to increase the speed, but I have no money to spend on an upgrade. What do you advise?
- Speed Fiend
Dear Speed,
Ask you doctor to prescribe you something to slow down your metabolism. Take the medicine and wait for a couple of hours. Then switch your computer on and you will notice a dramatic increase in speed and overall performances.
Dear Dr. RAM,
I bought a $ 5,000 notebook, with batteries guaranteed to last for six hours. They did actually last for about that long, after which the computer went dead. What shall I do? Shall I try and change the batteries?
- Out Of Power
Dear Out,
From your description, I believe that you bought a disposable notebook and therefore there is nothing you can do. However, you are in luck: I happen to collect disposable notebooks, even if they have no use whatsoever. Send me your machine and I shall mail you $50, so you will not suffer a total loss. No, more...

A thermodynamics professor issued a take-home exam for his graduate students as follows: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Prove your answer." Most of the students wrote proofs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell, and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the more...

What's the best way to increase the size of your bank balance? Look at it through a magnifying glass.

Dr. Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the Chemical Engineering
Department, University of Oklahoma, is known for posing questions on
final exams like: ''Why do airplanes fly?''
In May a few years ago, the ''Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer '' exam
paper contained the question:
''Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof.''
Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or
similar. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we must postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate
are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think
we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it does not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you are not a
member of their more...

OFFICE MEMO
Date: 1/18/96
SPINDLER CALLS IN AIR STRIKE, DESTROYS APPLE TO SAVE IT
Stock Price Increases 50%
"We'll do it better," Says Microsoft
CUPERTINO, Calif. JANUARY 18, 1996
The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino was not the result of an earthquake or natural gas explosion, as officials first believed.
It now appears that the terrific explosion and fire at Apple Computer headquarters was the result of the first corporate-initiated airstrike on U. S. or California soil in U. S. history.
Sources within Apple have told newspapers that, in an effort to save Apple from an internal coup that would result in the breakup and sale of the company, embattled Apple CEO Michael Spindler called in elements of the California Air National Guard, based at Moffet Federal Air Station in Mountain View, Calif. to bomb and strafe his own headquarters.
Spindler allegedly called the California Air National Guard more...