Information Jokes / Recent Jokes

COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS: As depicted in movies, Word processors never display a cursor. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. All monitors display inch-high letters. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress"). All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the more...

Q: What is the Information Superhighway?
A: It's just like the internet, except:
it's a lot more expensive.
you can't post and there's no killfile.
there's no alt.sex.* or alt.drugs
rec.humor.funny has a laugh track.
there's a commercial break every 10 minutes.
everything is formatted to 40 columns for TV's.
the free software costs you $2.00/megabyte to ftp, more for long distance.
A: It's just like cable TV, except:
it's a lot more expensive.
the picture isn't as good.
there's 500 channels of Pay-per-View and home-shopping.
you can watch any episode of Gilligan's Island or any Al Gore speech for only $2.00.
no public access channels.
there's a commercial break every 10 minutes.
A: It's just like renting videos, except:
it's a lot more expensive.
there's only 1/100th as many to choose from.
no porno.
there's no pause, fast-forward, or rewind, and it costs
you another $3.95 if you want to watch more...

THE NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU!

With an NBA player's strike against the team owners looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks--possibly a whole year--as a result of the strike. But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day--that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV--you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need.

Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, two more...

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The Information Highway BluesMy baby's got my 486. My cellular phone's on the blink. My fax's gone off to fax heaven, And Pay For View stinks. I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues. I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues. I lost my account on the Internet. My email's been revoked. My modem's stuck at 300 baud, And my terminal just blinks. I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues. I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues. My head spins from Virtual Reality. I don't have Video on demand. I can't read my Personal Newspaper, And Shop At Home has kinks. I missed the on-ramp, to the Information Highway bluuuues. I missed the onnnn-ramp, to the Information Highway blues. Jack "Blues" Jung, Toronto, September 1994.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Indifference is the only sure defense.
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.
Information's pretty thin stuff, unless mixed with experience.
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Inside every small problem is a larger problem struggling to get out.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Is there life before coffee?
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good either if you speak when your head is empty.

My baby’s got my 486.
My cellular phone’s on the blink.
My fax’s gone off to fax heaven,
And Pay For View stinks.
I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues.
I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues.

I lost my account on the Internet.
My email’s been revoked.
My modem’s stuck at 300 baud,
And my terminal just blinks.
I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues.
I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues.

My head spins from Virtual Reality.
I don’t have Video on demand.
I can’t read my Personal Newspaper,
And Shop At Home has kinks.
I missed the on-ramp, to the Information Highway bluuuues.
I missed the onnnn-ramp, to the Information Highway blues.