Insert Jokes / Recent Jokes

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. more...

A man was experiencing a great deal of pain from a bad case of hemorrhoids, so he went to see his doctor. The doctor told him that the pain could be relieved by suppositories and asked if he would like him to insert the first one. Slightly embarrassed, the man agreed. He bent over, held his breathe and felt a sharp pain as the doctor inserted it.
"Now, the next one should be inserted in about six hours," the doctor said. "If you have a problem doing it yourself, ask your wife to help you."
The man went home and laid down for a couple of hours. Later that evening, he attempted to insert the second suppository but found he couldn't do it himself, so he asked his wife for help. She told him to bend over and put one hand on his shoulder to help steady him. As soon as she stuck the suppository in, he let out a scream.
"I'm sorry, dear. Did I hurt you?" she asked.
"No, it's not that," he said, his face ashen in color. "I just more...

# Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
# Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
# Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
# Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
# Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert more...

Some items have the strangest directions/ warnings. Here are a few I've noticed.
On a toilet plunger: Do not use as an umbrella.
On a carton of milk: May contain dairy products.
On a tricycle: Will hurt if on top of someone.
On popcorn: Will pop if heated.
On candy: Directions: Take of wrapper, insert into mouth, chew, and swallow. (No, really?)
On bean bags used for juggling: Do not eat.
On lunchmeat: Do not mistake as toilet paper.
On Gameboy: To play, you must have a thumb.
After computer error: Keyboard malfunction, press enter to continue.
On coke bottle: Do not try to insert head.
On skateboard: May move if rode on.
On shampoo bottle: Warning: May create a lather.
Roadsign: Warning: Unfinished bridge 3 miles.
*3 miles later* We told you there was an unfinished bridge!

1. Insert bulb and use as flashlight.
2. Fill with ink and use as bingo dabber.
3. Fill with Frosting and squeeze to decorate cake.
4. Use it as a decoration to hang from your rearview mirror.
5. Hang a dried out one inside an upside-down clay pot for an interesting bell. Gives new meaning to the phrase “ding dong. ”
6. Nail it to the wall and use it for a coat rack.
7. In a pinch, poke extra holes in the end and replace shower nozzle.
8. Conversation piece on the coffee table (”Oh, that’s just Ronald when he was in his prime…”).
9. Redneck girl’s toothpick holder.
10. Dip it in candied apple glaze and make an all day sucker out of it.
11. Fill with Vicks and use as a nose inhaler.
12. Fill it up with plaster of Paris and use it as a microphone while singing the Lorena Bobbitt song.
13. Stick a Mickey mouse head on the tip, slit the dick horizontally, insert a spring in the bottom, and use as a Pez more...