Intelligence Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Republican chairman of the House Intelligence Committee suspended a Democratic staff member pending an investigation into whther he leaked a high-level intelligence assessment.
Democrats argue on the grounds that there is no high-level intelligence in government.

A blonde was seated next to a lawyer on a plane and he kept bugging her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, he offered her 10 to 1 odds. "Each time you're unable to answer one of my questions," he explained, "you owe me $5.00. Each time I can't answer one of your questions, I'll give you $50.00." Reluctantly, the blonde agreed to play.
"What's the distance between Earth and the nearest star?" asked the lawyer.
Without even saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.00. She then asked him a question, "What goes up a hill with three legs, but comes back down the hill with four legs?"
Baffled, the lawyer grabbed his laptop and took several hours looking up everything he could, even going so far as to make several air-to-ground phone calls, in an attempt to find the answer.
Angry and frustrated, he finally gave up and handed her $50.00, which she immediately put in her purse.
"So, what's the answer to your question?" more...

MEAT -- Terry Bisson

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Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander in chief...

' They're made out of meat!'

'Meat?'

'Meat. They're made out of meat.'

'Meat?'

'There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat.'

'That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars.'

'They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines.'

'So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact.'

'They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines.'

'That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient more...

Two Italian construction workers were in the field on anextremely hot day working.. the one says to the other "heyhow come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?"pointing to the supervisor. The other says, "I don't know, go ask him." So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey, how comewe do all a da work and you get all a da money?" The supervisor says "Intelligence". Guido says "what is this intelligence?" The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita myhand as hard as you can!" Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit thesupervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisorpulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisorsays "That's intelligence". Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and hisco-worker says "Hey what did he say?" With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on hisface and says "hita my hand as hard as you can..."

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, intelligence'?" The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!" The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. T he more...

I love these intelligence reports, "Iran is one year away from a nuclear bomb." Well that's there fault, man. They'd have one by now if they'd matched our asking price.

There were two workers digging in a ditch. Their supervisor was sitting against a brick wall reading a book.
After a while, one worker said to the other "How come we're over here working in the hot sun while he's over there reading a book?"
The other guy replied, "I don't know. Why don't you go ask him?"
So the first guy walked over to where the supervisor was sitting. The supervisor looked up and then went back to reading his book.
Finally the worker asked him, "How come you're over here reading, while we're digging in the sun?"
The supervisor looked at him for a moment and answered, "Intelligence." Then he continued reading.
After thinking about this for a minute, the worker asked, "How's that?"
The supervisor replied, "Let me show you." He held out his hand and said, "now, hit my hand as hard as you can."
The worker put down his shovel and proceeded to hit the supervisor's more...