Invited Jokes / Recent Jokes

This anecdote is about two Indians settled in England. One had been living there for some years and had picked up some of their quaint euphemisms. The other, a recent settler, was as yet unaware of them. They were invited for dinner by their English friends. After they had had their drinks, their hostess asked them,' Would you like a wash before I serve dinner?'
The knowledgeable one replied,' No thanks.' The new settler replied, i washed my hands before I came.'
On their way back after dinner, the older settler admonished his friend,' My dear chap, in England "would you like a wash" does not mean "would you like to wash your hands". It is a polite way of asking, "would you like to urinate?"' The new settler made a mental note of it.
Some days later he was invited by another English friend and after he had had his drinks he was asked by his hostess:' Would you like a wash before I serve dinner?'
He replied promptly,' No, thank you, more...

The Chicago White Sox have invited Barack Obama to throw the first pitch on opening day. The New York Mets have invited him to join their bullpen.

Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool. When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said: "Did you notice the small dongs on the rich kids?"The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play with!"

The neighborhood postman was retiring after 30 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement.

Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a drink.

As he was putting the mail in the mailbox of the last house, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside and lead him upstairs where she made mad passionate love to him.

After their lovemaking she lead him downstairs where she prepaired an exquisite dinner for him.

He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it.

She explained, "When I called my husband to tell ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said,' screw him, give him a dollar.' Dinner was my idea."

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and more...

Diary of her six day Bahamas cruise DEAR DIARY. .. DAY ONE I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.

DEAR DIARY. . DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY. .. DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
DEAR DIARY. .. DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino. did OK. .. won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. I told him there more...

1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sabbath.

4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

9. A bean supper more...