Irishman Jokes / Recent Jokes

...and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained "By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen."
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself 'I'll go on better than that English bastard' and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and more...

Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle.

The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"

An Englishman, American, and Irishman, all walk into a bar and order a beer. The bartender hands them there beer, however there are flies in each mug of beer. Well the Englishman pushes the beer aside and says, "That's disgusting." The American pulls the fly out and starts drinking the beer. The Irishman pulls the fly out, sets it out the counter and shouts, "SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD

An Irishman stumbles out of a bar and is spied by a Constable.
The Constable approches...
C: Can I help ya lad?
I: Yea, SSSSomebody ssstol my car!
C: Well, wheer was ya car last time ya saw it?
I: It twas at the end of tiss key! (he held up a key already in his hand) At this time the constable notices the Irishman has his manhood out.
C: Hey, Ar ya aware ya expoosing yaself?
I: Ohh God, They got me girl too!

There was this Irishman and he went into the pet shop and asked the owner if he had any budgies? The pet shop owner showed him multitudes of the beautiful coloured birds. "How many do you have?" asked the Irishman.
"Well, we have a hundred all together" said the owner. "I'll take them all!" Said the Irishman. Well, the Irishman just so happened to be wearing a very special waistcoat, with 100 little pockets in the front, and into each one he put one of the colourful little Budgies.
The Irishman then left the shop took a taxi to the Post Office Tower in London, took the lift to the top, stood on the roof an jumped off!
Well, you can imagine what happened! Kersplat! The Irishman landed in a heap at the bottom!
His friend Shamus, who had gone with the man, rushed up to his stricken friend shouting, "Paddy, Paddy, what did you do that for???"
And his friend Paddy croaked, "Jesus, Shamus, this Budgie Jumpings not all it's more...

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."