Jesus Jokes / Recent Jokes

Authorities in northern Cyprus believe they have found an ancient version of the Bible, written in Syriac, a dialect of the native language of Jesus. Historians and Theologians are giddy with excitement after reading the following prophecies that could only have been written by Jesus himself:
1) Do not get Judas anything for Christmas.
2) Scandals are great, but not so much in the snow.
3) Why am I still writing “B.C.” on my checks?
4) Hair decisions………….Ponytail, or Fabio??

A burglar had been casing a particular house for some time. Finally, he
saw the owners leave for what appeared to be an extended camping trip.
That night he broke in through a basement window and was trying to find
his way in the dark when he heard what seemed to him to be the voice of
a very old woman saying "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!"
Startled, the burglar snarls back "Shut up, Grandma, or you're gonna
get hurt!" He shines his flashlight all around, but no Grandma.
Again the voice: "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!"
Finally, the beam of the flashlight finds a large cage and in it
a pretty upset parrot. Relieved, the burglar turns back around and
starts toward the stairs, only to spot an enormous slavering doberman
waiting at the top.
Just then the parrot screams, "Sic'em, Jesus!"
John R. Snyder

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?". But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."
Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."
Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard more...

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped by
a policeman who said, “What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?”The priests say, “Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us.”The policeman says, “In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to
ride on a motorcycle.”

A burglar had just broken into a house and was stealing anything he could get his hands on. Then he heard a voice. It said, "Jesus is watching you." Thinking its in his head he continues on his business. Then he hears it again, "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar not very religious but still scared says, "Who are you?"
Then he flipped on the light not caring if he was caught by the house owners. All he sees is a parrot in the corner. The parrot then says, "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar asks the parrot his name. The parrot replied, "Satan."
The burglar laughs and says, "Who would name their parrot Satan?"
The parrot says, "Same person who would name their rottweiler Jesus."

Jesus Mosus and a old man are playing a game of golf. They are on the last hole and the score is all tied up. The last hole is located on a island with 2 sandtraps. Jesus ateps up and hits his ball, but he is short and is goes into the water, so he walks out and hits his ball in for a two. Mosus is up next and he hits his ball and it goes right in to the water. So he walks up and parts the water and hits his ball in for a two. The old man is up next and he hits his ball but as you can guess it goe right into the water. But as the ball is still on top of the water a fish jumps up and eats the ball right after that a eagle comes and grabs the fish in his talons and flys over the island. the eagle drops the fish and the ball falls out of the fishes mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole in one and the win. Jesus shakes his head and looks at the old man and says "gosh dad it's only a game."

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.
"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"
To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"