Jewish Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two men, moderately proficient in Yiddish, were lamenting the fact that there are Yiddish expressions that you can't translate well into English. Furthermore, there were some English words that cannot not be easily translated into Yiddish. One man said to the other, I have difficulty finding a Yiddish word that adequately conveys the concept of of the English word "disappointed." His friend said, "My mother speaks only Yiddish. I'll find out from her how to say disappointed in Yiddish."
The man goes to his mother's house and say's "Mama, you know that I always come over for Shabbos dinner every Friday night. How would you feel if, one Friday, I called and said I wouldn't be coming over for Shabbos?" The mother replied, "Oy! Ich'll zein zayer disappointed!"

God offered his tablet of commandments to the world. He first approached the Italians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said.
He answered, "Thou shalt not murder."
They answered "Sorry, we are not interested."
Next he offered it to the Romanians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said.
He answered, "Thou shalt not steal."
They answered, "Sorry, we are not interested."
Next he offered them to the French. "What commandments do you offer?" they asked.
"Thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife."
"Sorry we are not interested," they answered.
Finally he approached the Jews.
"How much?" they asked.
"It's free," he answered. "We'll take ten of them!"

An old Jewish couple were having an argument.
Sadie, the wife: It's Ha-WAI-i!
Morris, the husband: No, it's Ha-VAI-i!
Both being extremely stubborn and too proud to look it up, they continued on like this on their way to the grocer's.
On their way they bumped into a stranger and decided to finish it once and for all.
Morris: Hello there. Tell me, please. Is it Ha-WAI-i or Ha-VAI-i?
The stranger: Ha-VAI-i.
Morris to Sadie: See, Sadie? Never doubt me.
Morris to stranger: Thank you very much.
Stranger: You're velcome.

A man walks into a shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here."
"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."
And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.
"Rover," says the man, "daven!". "Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him more...

Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.
Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: "You will die on a Jewish holiday."
"Which one?'" Arafat asks nervously.
"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll be a Jewish holiday."

Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.
Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: "You will die on a Jewish holiday."
"Which one?" Arafat asks nervously.
"It doesn't matter," replies the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll be a new Jewish holiday!"

Moshe is driving around in a car park, but to his dismay, he cannot find a parking space. He drives around for half an hour then looks up to the heavens and says:
"Excuse me? It's Moshe. G-d I really need your help. I can't find a parking space. I promise if you find me one I will go to shul every week and I will keep every Jewish law ever written!"
Just then, a parking space appears in front of him. Moshe looks up to the sky again and says:
"Actually, don't worry G-d, I just found one!"