Job Jokes / Recent Jokes
Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn. Madonna All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others. Henry Youngman To attract men, I wear a perfume called' New Car Interior'. Rita Rudner This guy says,' I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.' I said,' Oh, a gay trucker?' Judy Tenuta Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks. Jean Kerr Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison. Tim Allen I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags. Gwyneth Paltrow
A Short list of nevers:
Never accept a drink from a urologist. -Erma Bombeck
Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial. -Sydney Biddle Barrows, the' Mayflower Madam'
Never say' Oops' in the operating room. - Dr. Leo Troy
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words' large' or' size' with' rear end'. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me on this. -Tim Allen
Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. -Dan Zevin
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. -Harry S. Truman
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier. -Anonymous
Never thrust your sickle into another's corn. -Publius Syrus
Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap. -Anonymous member of a chain gang
Never invoke more...
One girl, just after her childhood, started doing a part-time job, in a brush factory. In a few months time, she found hair appearing in her secret area, and she was very upset. Day by day, the hair started growing, and she thought this was an effect of the brushes, and that her secret area was converting into a brush. So she decided to quit the job.
She went to meet her boss, who was a middle-aged gentleman, and told him that she was leaving the company. So the the boss asked her why she wanted to leave.
She said, "Look what the brushes are doing to me. A brush has started appearing right here" and showed him her secret area.
The boss, trying to educate her in this subject said, "Look child; this is quite a natural phenomena. It has nothing to do with the brushes. this happens to every one at your age. Look what we got" and showed her his secret area. The girl became horrified, and said "Oh my god! You have got the handle also!", and left more...
Approval Seeker's Law: Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. - Washington writer Rozanne Weissman
The Aquinas Axiom: What the gods get away with, the cows don't.
Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
Arnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.
Astrology Laws: It's always the wrong time of the month. - Rozanne Weissman
Avery's Rule of Three: Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job - it's the start of a brand new series of three.
Baer's Quartet: What's good politics is bad economics; what's bad politics is good economics; what's good economics is bad politics; what's bad economics is good politics. - Eugene Baer (Baer also allows that it can be restated somewhat more compactly more...
A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "Thats a good piece of fir." "Correct, says the manager, now try this one." "Thats a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, youre trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. Its the shit house more...
One Day A Man Wanted To Spit Out. He Asked A Pedastrian Where To Spit As He Was Nature Conscious. The Pedestrian Told Him That
His Job Was Very Simple. He Had To Just Go Straight Till He Saw A Red Button, The Press It A Container Would Come Out, Then He
Can Have His Job Done. The Man Followed And Saw A Red Button In A Fat Lady's Earring. He Pressed It With All His Might. The
Lady In The Process Of Shouting Opened Her Unusually Large Mouth. He Silently Spit Inside Her Mouth.
Guy goes to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years"
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O. K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8: 00 A. M. to 4: 00 P. M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10: 00 A. M."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8: 00A. M. to 4: 00 P. M. then why do you want me to come in at 10: 00 A. M."
"This is a government job..." the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls....... no point in your coming in for that..."