Kerry Jokes / Recent Jokes

In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...." "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

"A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today, President Bush called Newsweek magazine a threat to world peace."
-- Jay Leno

"President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration."
-- David Letterman

"The President and Mrs. Bush were on' Larry King' last night and the president said,' America is absolutely better off today than it was 4 years ago.' Then he said,' Did I say America? I meant Chevron.'"
-- Bill Maher

"President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out."
-- Jay Leno

"Campaigning in Iowa yesterday President Bush vowed he will not more...

Kerry Wood said that not pitching in Chicago next year will leave him disappointed. Ahh, dissapointment. The true mark of a Cubs fan.

PITTSBURG, PA
October 3, 2004

Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry kept President Bush on the defensive today, telling a Pittsburgh audience that Mr. Bush had allowed the long-dormant volcano Mount St. Helens to erupt on his watch, adding that he would "fix Mount St. Helens once and for all" if elected in November.

"When George Bush was elected president, Mount St. Helens was nothing but a trivia question," Mr. Kerry said. "Well, guess what, folks - it's spewing volcanic gases right now and it's only a matter of time before she blows."

Mr. Kerry said that Mr. Bush had refused to keep an eye on the troubling increase in volcanic activity at Mount St. Helens because he was "totally obsessed with Iraq."

"I've got news for George Bush, " Mr. Kerry said. "Saddam Hussein isn't erupting. Mount St. Helens is erupting."

After accusing Mr. Bush of being "in more...

Kerry the tomcat was scampering all over the neighborhood “ down alleys, up fire escapes, into cellars. A disturbed neighbor knocked on the owner`s door and said,
"Your cat is rushing about like mad." "I know," the man conceded. "Kerry`s just been neutered, and he`s running around canceling engagements."
- Larry Wilde “
Library of Laughter

Once upon a time, long, long ago, there was a Presidential election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final win ner.
There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to settle things. The candidate who catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote, cold, icey lake in Wisconsin. There were to be no observers present and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.
At the end of the first day, Kerry. returns to the headquarters and he has 10 fish. Soon, Bush, who has answers to more...

The sci-fi thriller "I Robot," starring Will Smith was a box office hit this summer with its stunning tale of how stiff, but somewhat lifelike automatons try to take over the world.
Of Course, half the people paying to see the film thought it was about the Kerry campaign.