Kick Jokes / Recent Jokes
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
Chuck Norris' favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds", he was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were more...
Last Wish
Three hunters, Chuck, Thomas and Abe, are on safari. Unfortunately they are captured by cannibals, who start getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells them they can each have one last wish.
"What`s your last request?" he asks Chuck, an American.
"I`d like a steak," he replies.
So the cannibals kill a zebra and serve Chuck with his steak.
"What do you want?" the cannibal chief asks Thomas, a Londoner.
"I`d like to smoke my cigar," which they let him do.
Then the chief asks Abe, an Israeli, "What`s your last wish?"
"I want you to kick my bum."
"Be serious," says the chief.
"Please do it - you promised," says Abe.
"OK," says the chief and delivers the requested kick. Abe then pulls out a gun, shoots the chief and a few other cannibals while the rest run away.
Chuck and Thomas are furious.
"Why didn`t you more...
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to collect the bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer replied, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field. Now I'm going in to retrieve it."
The old farmer looked the lawyer in the eyes and stated firmly, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The lawyer huffed angrily, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country. If you don't let me get my duck, I'll sue you."
The old farmer smiled. "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What's the Tennessee Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer answered, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you more...
On a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild
temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed
mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream
furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly
walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with
an upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers something
into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes
his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the
minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the
stewardess takes him by the sleeve. "Excuse me, Reverend," she
says quietly, "but what magic words did you use on that little
boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently says, "I told him if he
didn't cut that shit out, I'd kick his more...
A man walks into a bar and orders a round of drinks for the house, a shot for himself and a shot for the bartender. After everyone takes their drink the bartender turns to the man and says “That’ll be $89. ” The man looks at the bartender and says “Sorry I don’t have any money. ” The bartender then proceeds to kick the shit out of the man and throw him out. The next day same man comes walking into the bar. He then proceeds to order a round of drinks for the house, a shot for himself and a shot for the bartender. After everyone finishes their drink the bartender says “That’ll be $96. ” Man says, “Sorry but I don’t have any money. ” The bartender again proceeds to kick his ass and throw him out. The next day AGAIN the same man comes walking into the bar. The bartender thinks to himself, “He can’t be THAT stupid he has to have brought money! ” The guy sits down and orders a round of drinks for the house and a shot for himself. The bartender then asks “What more...
The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T. V."
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.
"Look you guys. We can win this game. more...
Differences Between Men & Women NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22. 50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left more...