Kill Jokes / Recent Jokes
Guns don't kill people... Husbands who come home early kill people.
Two prison inmates are talking about their crimes.
Jeff: "I robbed a bank and they sentenced me to twenty-five years."
Randy: "I killed a man and they gave me three days."
Jeff: "What!!" How could that be? I merely rob a bank and get twenty-five years, yet you kill a man and get only three days! Who did you kill?"
Randy: "A lawyer!"
How do you kill a dumb blond?
You put a scrach and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best ot make my daughter's suitors feel even worse.
My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.
"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're STUPID, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule one: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as more...
How does a Blonde kill a bird?
Throws it off the roof.
How does a Blonde kill a fish?
Tries to drown it.