Kill Jokes / Recent Jokes
I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be.
Today I sniffed
Many dog butts - I celebrate
By kissing your face.
I sound the alarm!
Paperboy - come to kill us all -
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Garbage man - come to kill us all -
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush . Hello, Spot -
Sniff this and weep.
How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.
I Hate my choke chain.
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!
Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot - no greater bliss - well,
Maybe catching rats.
Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do.
The cat is not all
Bad - she fills the litter box
With Tootsie more...
This was his Indian name given to him because he had only one testicle. After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest. There he loved her all day, he loved her all night, he loved her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant business.
Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after many years away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he loved her all day, loved her all night, loved her all the next day, loved more...
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamondsNow, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best ot make my daughter's suitors feel even worse.My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night."So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're STUPID, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.Rule one: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything more...
how do you kill a dumd blonde???
- you put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool!!!
Actual statements from Hizzoner Mayor Marion Barry of Washington, DC.
"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."
"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."
"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."
"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."
"Bitch set me up."
"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."
"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."
"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"
"People more...
How did the blonde try to kill the bird... she threw it off of a cliff. How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves... she fell out of the tree. How did the blonde die, drinking milk... the cow stepped on her. How did the blonde burn her nose... bobbing for french fries. Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month... the instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds". Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops... so they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus. Why do men like blonde jokes... it is one thing they can understand. Why do blondes like lightning... they think someone is taking their picture. Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces... from eating with forks. Why do blondes have more fun... they are easier to keep amused. What do you call a brunette with a blonde on both sides... an interpreter. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer... frosted flakes. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a more...