King Jokes / Recent Jokes

In a far-off eastern country, the game of cricket was the most popular sport. Everybody played it, even the royal family. But one day, the king died and a new king took his place. The new king hated cricket and outlawed it, so all the games had to be abandoned.

"REIGN" stopped play.

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."

Detachable Penis (song) by King Missile
I woke up this morning with a bad hangover
And my penis was missing again.
This happens all the time.
It's detachable.
[background singing begins: "detachable penis" over and over]
This comes in handy a lot of the time.
I can leave it home, when I think it's gonna get me in trouble,
or I can rent it out, when I don't need it.
But now and then I go to a party, get drunk, and the next morning
I can't for the life of me
remember what I did with it.
First I looked around my apartment, and I couldn't find it.
So I called up the place where the party was,
they hadn't seen it either.
I asked them to check the medicine cabinent
'cause for some reason I leave it there sometimes
But not this time.
So I told them if it pops up to let me know.
I called a few people who were at the party,
but they were no help either.
I was starting to get desperate.
I really more...

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Senior, I would like the
world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the
shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give
me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain
spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender
is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you
drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies "Well, if you
guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

Once upon a time...
There lived a king. The King had a
beautiful daughter, the Princess.
But the kingdom was a sad place.
There was no laughter, and no joy.
The problem was, that
everything the Princess touched would melt.
No matter what, metal, wood...
anthing she touched would melt!!
Because of this, men were afraid of her.
Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired.
What could he do to help his
beautiful daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king, "If your
daughter touches one thing that
does not melt in her hands, she
will be cured."
The King was overjoyed. The next
day, he held a competition. Any man
who could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt at her
touch, would marry her and inherit
the King's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first Prince brought a very hard
alloy of titanium.
When the more...

One day an old rooster who was the king of the hen house is approached by a young strong rooster who says, "You have been king of this hen house for a long time. It is time for me to step in and take over so I am calling you out. If I can take you in a fight, then I will become king of the roost."
The old rooster replies, "I know I have gotten old and you can probably knock my block off. I really don't want to fight you. I am willing to step down from my position but I want to do it with dignity. Let's have a race. We will race around the hen house three times. If you let me lead the first two laps, I will feel like I have had my final moment of glory and will step down as king of the hen house. You can pass me at the beginning of the third lap, win the race, and step in as the new king of the roost."
The young rooster agrees and the race begins. The old rooster is getting pretty tired by the end of the second lap and the young rooster starts to close in to more...

THE TRAGIC COMEDIE OF KING LEER

Scene 1. A forest glen. Enter Witch Tripp and Kenneth of Starr.

Witch Tripp:
Double, double, Webster Hubbell,
I think I got the Creep in trouble.
Eye of Newt, strap of bra,
Could it be he broke some law?
Praise this broth utmost ephemeral,
Heavens! I left out my Essence of Emeril!

Hark! Who trespasses so near?

Kenneth of Starr:' Tis I, the Inquisitor. What news?

Witch Tripp: Things proceed with quickening speed, m'lord. The maiden
Lewinsky, so deeply embroil'd, is now join'd by the Lady Willey in like
pursuit. Daily tightens the noose around the king.

Starr: Would that it were so, but he hath good counsel, and more moves
than a chess board. His public, well pleas'd with good news of the
economie, doth o'erlook much.

Witch Tripp: How may I serve you next?

Starr: I have need of acts damnable and facts verifiable. Else more...