King Jokes / Recent Jokes

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Born free... taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
The early bird may get the worm, more...

The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African King who was a very important client. The client, out of the blue, asks her to marry him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara."
The African man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says "No problem!! I have. I have."
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in more...

B.B. King's wife was going to do something special for him on their anniversary so she decided to get BB tattooed on her butt.
So she did it. One B on each butt cheek. B.B. came home that day and she stuck her ass right in his face and she turned around and he slapped her.
She said, "What the hell was that for?
He said, "Who the Hell is BOB?

What`s the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.

Seinfeld-isms, From the Washington Post:
What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."
What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important more...

The editors of "The Seattle Times" couldn't resist running (pardon the pun) the following story on the front page yesterday. They also couldn't decide on a headline so they gave the story two.
CUSTOMER REFUND HIGHLY IRREGULAR
MAN ASKS FOR $2 FROM EX-LAX; TAKES $98,002 AND RUNS
By Richard Seven
Seattle Times Staff Reporter
Authorities are searching for a former Kent man they say found relief in the form of an erroneous $98,002 refund from the makers of Ex-Lax.
Barry Lyn Stoller, 38, wrote a letter demanding the maker of the laxative reimburse him the $1.99 he paid for a package of the product after, he claimed, it failed to work, according to first-degree theft charges filed in King County Superior Court.
The New Jersey-based Sandoz Corp. immediately issued a refund check, but mistakenly wrote the amount to correspond not to the $1.99 cost but to Stoller's zip code, 98032.
King County prosecutors allege Stoller deposited the check, withdrew the more...

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