Kippur Jokes

A guy wanted to get in the temple on Yom Kippur, but without a ticket they don't let you in. He said, "Look, I just want to give a message to a friend in there." The guy at the door says, "Sorry, you got to have a ticket." The first guy replies, "Just let me in for one minute, then I'll be right out." "Alright," says the guy at the door, "but I better not catch you praying."

Moskowitz had bought a parrot and one morning found the bird at the eastern side of the cage, with a small prayer shawl over its head, rocking to and fro, and mumbling. Bending low to listen, Moskowitz was thunderstruck to discover the parrot was intoning prayers in the finest Hebrew.
"You're Jewish?" asked Moskowitz.
"Not only Jewish," said the parrot, "but Orthodox. So will you take me to the synagog on Rosh Hashonah?"
Rosh Hashonah, the Jewish New Year, was indeed only 2 days away, and it would as always usher in the high-holiday season which would end with Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, ten days later. Moskowitz said "Of course I'll take you, but can I tell my friends about you? This isn't a secret is it?"
"No secret at all. Tell anyone you want to." And the parrot returned to his praying.
Moskowitz went to all his friends to tell them about his Jewish parrot. Of course no one believed him, and in no more...

Moskowitz had bought a parrot and one morning found the bird at the eastern side of the cage, with a small prayer shawl over its head, rocking to and fro, and mumbling. Bending low to listen, Moskowitz was thunderstruck to discover the parrot was intoning prayers in the finest Hebrew.
"You're Jewish?" asked Moskowitz.
"Not only Jewish," said the parrot, "but Orthodox. So will you take me to the synagog on Rosh Hashonah?"
Rosh Hashonah, the Jewish New Year, was indeed only 2 days away, and it would as always usher in the high-holiday season which would end with Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, ten days later. Moskowitz said "Of course I'll take you, but can I tell my friends about you? This isn't a secret is it?"
"No secret at all. Tell anyone you want to." And the parrot returned to his praying.
Moskowitz went to all his friends to tell them about his Jewish parrot. Of course no one believed him, and in no time at more...

Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None
survived.
One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and
laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the
Creator of all.
Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three.
"Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You!
Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could
smoke while the Torah was being read???"
Goldblum shuddered.
God went on. "I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word
is strong!"
Goldblum sighed with relief.
"Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but
really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple
during Yom Kippur?"
Bauman hung his head in shame.
"Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that
which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast
and loose with my people, but I can more...

The fast
One Yom Kippur during the break after shacharis and before mincha, Rabbi Menzies sees a very worried looking Morry Schwartz walking towards him. His face is white and his eyes are bloodshot. He stands in front of the Rabbi, sweating and out of breath.
"Please Rabbi," he says, "I must have a drink of water. I`m so thirsty and dry. I can’t stand it any more."
Rabbi Menzies is astonished and replies, "Don`t you realise what you are asking? Today is Yom Kippur, when we fast and beg for forgiveness, and you come to me and tell me that want to drink and break your fast? Be strong and do not give in!"
Morry is in tears, "Please Rabbi, just a small drink. I can`t take it anymore!"
But Rabbi Menzies is not an unkind man, and is touched by Morry’s suffering. He thinks for a while and says "Alright." He calls over the shammes, "give Morry a teaspoon of water."
The teaspoon of water is given to more...