Kiss Jokes / Recent Jokes
What's the worst thing about having to kiss Grandma? When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.
Tips on Love (by kids, 5-10 years of age): WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?? "Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tom, 5)WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?? "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR,' cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?? "It's better for girls to be more...
A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!"
So, he showed up with flowers AND chocolates.
She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair... hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received.
After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.
"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."
"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewelry!"
At the end of their first date, a guy takes the girl home. Emboldened by the night, the guy decides to try for the first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her,? Darling, how? bout a good night kiss??
Horrified, she replies,? Are you mad? My parents will see us!?
Him:? Oh come on! Who? s gonna see us at this hour??
Her:? No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught??
Him: "Oh come on, there? s nobody around, they? re all sleeping!"
Her:? No way. It? s too risky!?
Him:? Oh please, please, I like you so much!?
Her:? No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can? t!?
Him:? Oh yes you can. Please??
Her: "No, no. I just can? t.?
Him:? I beg you....?
Suddenly, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl? s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says,? Dad more...
There's a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs sitting by a lake. Several beautiful women are running laps around it and the man decides to use his disability to get affection from one of them. The next time one runs by him, the man calls to her: "Excuse me Sweetheart, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you hug me?" She looks around to make sure nobody's watching, leans down, and hugs him. The man thinks, "Wow, I can't believe that worked!", and decides to try it again. Another woman runs by him, and he calls out to her: "Excuse me Darling, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you kiss me?" She looks around to make sure nobody is watching, leans down and gives him a kiss. The man is amazed at how well this is working out for him! The next time a woman runs by, he calls out to her: " Excuse me Beautiful, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you f**k me?" The woman looks around to make sure nobody's watching her, leans down, more...
The Roto Rooter:
Their tongue ventures so far down your throat that it actually begins to choke you.
The Rooster:
They begin to kiss you, then suddenly pull way... lean forward, then draw back!
The Swordfish:
They operate their tongue much like a swordfish uses it's snout, in a blunt and violent manner.
The Grouper:
As they kiss you, their lips (which could require their own zip code) completely engulf yours.
The Deep Sea Diver:
They rarely come up for air.
The Lizard:
Their tongue darts in and out of your mouth like a reptile probing for its next victim.
Frozen in Time:
They never change the position, posture or angle of their head. It is as if they have mastered kissing cryogenics.
The Squid:
They seem to excrete an awful flavor. All you can think of is how to slip them a breath mint.
The Wrecking Ball:
They kiss like a battering ram. Whoa, look out, here they come again!
Nick-o-Teen:
Kissing them is like more...
Through the center of Lahore there's the new Indo-Pak train speeding along (Samjhuata Express or whatever - which goes between India and Pak).
In one compartment of the train there are four people.
A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Pakistani soldier, and our own Santa Singh.
Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel.
It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap.
When the train exits the tunnel, the Pakistani soldier is holding the side of his face, and Santa Singh is grinning his face off.
The old matronly woman thinks: "Now that's a fine young woman, the Pakistani soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!"
The young woman is thinking: "Now that's a strange Pakistani soldier, he'd rather kiss that old hag than me."
The Pakistani soldier is thinking: "Now that's a smart Indian, he steals more...