Kissing Jokes / Recent Jokes
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking, `The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.`
Claudia Schiffer was thinking, `The Englishman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.`
And the Irishman was thinking, `This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I`ll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard more...
A man caught his wife kissing another man. He angrily asked the wife: honey what the hell are you doing with this man? The wife responded: I was not kissing him, i was just wispering in his mouth.
Standardized Guide to the Bases Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?"Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got tosecond base!"Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was secondbase? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, thebases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's aperson to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describesexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages intodays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringingbaseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romanceand with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to theBases.First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days. -First Base- This was almost always kissing, although one guyI knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was more...
Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.
1. Oral Sex does not count.
2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day, doesn't count.
3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex, doesn't count.
4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count.
5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share.
6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "Did I shave my legs for this", doesn't count.
7. An old flame, doesn't count.
8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count, refer to this as a "pity fuck".
9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex.
10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation.
11. 2 heterosexual women having fun, not more...
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room. He got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck.
Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as he had a chance, the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow, and turned to his pretty young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown.
He whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear", the wife hissed, spitting more...
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
In Riverside, California, kissing on the lips, unless both parties wipe their lips with carbonized rose water, is against the local health ordinance. (Someone needed to be kissed!)