Lady Jokes / Recent Jokes

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Larrys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Larry mixed up with your Larry, and her Larry mixed up with your Larry." The other two ladies agree. The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Larry 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!" The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives. Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Larry Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week." Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives. The third lady then says, "You know, those two Larrys were good, but I'm gonna name my Larry, Jack Daniels." The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!" The third lady bursts out, "That's my Larry!!"

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about a job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
"GREEN SIDE UP!"
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner.
At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters,
busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady.
I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.
As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises".
She replied, "Yes, that's true. It's cheaper than a nursing home".
After talking with her, I decided there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship.
The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per more...

A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!"

The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down. As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok, dear?"

The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me."

The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."

An old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had taken.
The lady replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "Nine."
The judge said, "Well then, I'm going to give you nine days in jail-one day for each peach."
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?"
The husband said, "Your honor, she also stole a can of peas."

Eugene d'Albert (noted German composer) was married six times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so charming a wife." During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?" "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely. The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if you would pin this on your white meat." Sentenced to two years hard labor (for Sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this is the way more...

A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City.
He tells the sales lady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."
With a quizzical look, the sales lady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
Ah...... now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man sked "So, what are the differences?"
The sales lady responded. "It is really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute and said: "Hmmm. I know I'll regret asking, but more...