Land Jokes / Recent Jokes

When a man and his wife were looking to buy property they had an over zealous realtor show them what can only be described as a totally worn out old farm. The land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing.

The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."

The man replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of Hell?"

Pennsylvania Road System Slogans
1. If you can build a better highway, we`d like to see it!
2. Potholes.... Shmotpoles!
3. Highway numbers go to the highest bidder!
4. Land of 10, 000 potholes.
5. We don`t repair roads, we destroy them!
Bumpy roads, tale me home, to the place I belong,
Pennsylvania, land of potholes, take me home.
I hear the car as it rattles down the highway,
Each bump tearing at its springs and shocks.
And each thump and groan reminds me,
The garage bill is coming soon some day.
You know you`re from Pennsylvania if...
You only own three spices: salt, pepper, ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.
You have an uncontrollable urge to buy bread and milk when you hear the word "snow."
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled more...

An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says …
And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent? ” And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, Dear? ”
And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS). ”
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums, as long as he could have more...

There was two irish men in a plane and they were going to land " come in roger we are ready for land over" and the first irish man said " hey fred its a bit short runway aint it?" The second man said "yeah jim but its bloomin wide to"

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a southwest airlines employee: "there may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."
2. Pilot: "folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "thank you for flying delta business express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
5. After a more...

Tired of the inconvenience of driving from the airport to his country cottage, a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on the lake directly in front of his cottage.

On his next trip however, he made his approach down the airport runway as usual.

Alarmed, his wife cried out, "Are you crazy? You can't land this plane here without wheels!"

The startled husband yanked the nose up, narrowly averting certain disaster.

Continuing home, he landed the plane on the lake without mishap.

As he sat there, visibly shaken, he said to his wife, "I don't know what on earth got into me. That's the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life!"

And with that, he opened the door and stepped out. .. right into the water.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
5. After a more...