Lawn Jokes / Recent Jokes

Bush cancelled the Easter Egg hunt on the lawn of the White House. His people were afraid that, like Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein, the Easter Eggs would turn out to be something else that Bush can`t find.

These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic isbarely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver islooking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex onsomeone's front lawn." Look", he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? are they fighting?" The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?" The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sexdoggie style. So the passenger says, "You have to try it. Its prettycool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wifea margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexualposition." The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it atry. The next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and thepassenger asks, "Well, how did it go?" To which the driver replies, "It wasgreat. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get more...

One morning Bill Clinton wakes up. He looks out side, it had snowed during the night and everything wascovered in snow. He looks down and sees somethingwritten in urine on the lawn it reads"I hope YoU GeT ImPeAcHeD". Bill calls the FBI and says "Someone has written "Ihope you get impeached" in urine on my lawn. For themto write it in the spot it's in they would have had tobe on my deck. Please help me find this criminal." The FBI agrees and comes back a week later. "Well Mr. Clinton we did DNA, urine and handwriting tests. Doyou want to here the bad news or the awful news first." Bill sighs "bad I guess"." The urine belongs to Al Gore" Bill grabs his chest "Oh! Al, my best friend my partner, my vice president... What'sthe awful news?!"The FBI agents look at each other..."The hand writing was Hillary's"

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung." I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass.

Two guys are riding to work on the bus, when they see a couple of dogs going at it on a lawn.
One guy, who's married, looks at the other and says, "Boy, I'd give just about anything to do it to my wife like that."
The other, a single guy, says, "Heck, that's easy. Just feed her three martinis."
The following morning, the same two guys are riding the bus to work. The single guy asks the other, "So, did you get to do it to your wife doggie style?"
The married guy replies, "Yes, but it took SIX martinis."
"SIX martinis! How come so many?" exclaims the single guy.
"Hell, it took three just to get her out on the lawn," replies the husband.

Two guys are riding to work on the bus. They both see two dogs goin' at it on a lawn. One guy, who's married, looks at the other and says, "Geez, I'd give anything to do it to my wife like that."
The other, a single guy, says, "Heck, that's easy. Just feed her three martinis."
The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next morning. The single one asks the other, "Well, did you get to do it to your wife doggie style?"
The married guy replies, "Yes, but it took SIX martinis."
The single guy exclaims, "SIX martinis! How come so many?"
The husband replies, "Hell, it took three just to get her out on the lawn."

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age... and isn't breaking any laws.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You make an appointment to see the dentist.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"

You more...