Leave Jokes / Recent Jokes

- If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
- Do You Love As Good As You Look?
- Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
- Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
- Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares
- How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
- I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
- I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
- I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
- I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
- I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
- I Wanna Whip Your Cow
- I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
- I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight,(even if she had a chance to win)
- I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
- I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
- I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
- I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
- If I Can't more...

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labor

* I work at great depths

* I work head first

* I do not get, weekends off or public holidays

* I work in a damp environment

* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties

* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation

* I work in high temperatures

* My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Response from the administration:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

* You do not work 8 hours straight, who you kiddin!

* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods

* You do not always follow the orders of the management team

* You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas

* You more...

The 5 Levels of Drinking
Level 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have
work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your unemployed
friends. Here at level I you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly. Why, as long as I
get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool."
Level 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against
artificial tuff. You get up to leave again, but at level
2, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with
my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long
as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers), I'm
COOl."
Level 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes
arguing for artificial tuff. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most more...

TRAVELLER'S TALES
 
 
IN THE LOBBY OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ACROSS FROM A RUSSIAN ORTHODOX MONASTERY:
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
  composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
IN A HOTEL IN ATHENS:
 "Visitors are expected to complain at the officebetween the hours of 9 and 11 a. m. daily."
IN A JAPANESE HOTEL:
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
IN A BANGKOK DRY CLEANER'S:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
IN A NORWEGIAN COCKTAIL LOUNGE:
Ladies are requested not to have childrenin the bar.
AT A BUDAPEST ZOO:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have anysuitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
IN THE OFFICE OF A ROMAN DOCTOR:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
IN A CZECHOSLOVAKIAN TOURIST AGENCY:
Take one of our horse-driven citytours. We guarantee no more...

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying.""No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. more...

A newly-employed villager was very weak in English. Once he asked his more educated neighbour to draft an application asking for casual leave for a day as he was down with fever.
The neighbour dictated the application in the following words: "Respected Sir - As I am suffering from fever, I may kindly be granted casual leave for today."
He kept a copy of this application for subsequent use. Later, on the eve of his sister's marriage, he wrote an application on his own. It read as follows: "Respected Sir -As I am suffering from my sister's marriage tomorrow, kindly grant me casual leave for the next two days."