Lecture Jokes / Recent Jokes

"Father's Day in the 1900's and today"
Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family more...

New York, NY - September 2004

6: 00 PM - Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell

6: 30 PM - Pledge of Allegiance

6: 35 PM - Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment)

6: 45 PM - Salute to the Coalition of the Willing

6: 46 PM - Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on “Are Elections Really Necessary? ”

7: 30 PM - Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan

7: 35 PM - Trent Lott: “Re-segregation in the 21st Century”

7: 40 PM - EPA Address #1: Mercury: It’s What’s for Dinner

8: 00 PM - Vote on which country to invade next

8: 10 PM - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh

8: 15 PM - John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos Are After Your Children

8: 30 PM - Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only)

8: 50 PM - Seminar #2: Corporations: The Government of the Future

9: 00 PM - Condi Rice sings more...

A dietitian was giving a lecture to a large audience.
"The materials we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us in this room, years ago. Red meat is very bad. Vegetables can be disastrous and none of us even realize the germs that are in our drinking water. Given all that, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and all of us have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? What one food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A seventy year old man sitting in the front row jumped up and said, "Wedding cake!"

A professor at the University of Greece in Kalamata is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "
How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their Tsigara(cigarettes). "
Well that's a good start.
Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their Tsigara(cigarettes). "
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their Tsigara(cigarettes). "
That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their Tsigara(cigarettes). "
That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "
Vre more...