Lecture Jokes / Recent Jokes

This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.
21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.
22. Address the professor as "your excellency".
23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
28. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.
30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.

This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.
31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.
34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream more...

A mathematician and an engineer attend a lecture by a physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The mathematician is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the engineer is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end the engineer has a terrible headache. At the end, the mathematician comments about the wonderful lecture.

The engineer says "How do you understand this stuff?"
Mathematician: "I just visualize the process."
Engineer: "How can you visualize something that occurs in 9-dimensional space?"
Mathematician: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9."

In his autobiography, Treasure in Clay, Bishop Fulton Sheen tells of getting lost in Philadelphia on his way to a lecture at the Town Hall, "I stopped to ask a few boys for directions. They told me where the Town Hall was and then asked, "What are you going to do there?'
'I'm giving a lecture on heaven and how to get there. Would you like to come and find out?'
'You're kidding, one boy said.' You don't even know the way to the Town Hall."

1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!" 2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector. 3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points. 4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook. 5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!" 6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute". 7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow. 8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder. 9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board. 10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.

Years ago, I was taking an algebra class over the summer,
and had a teacher who liked to reminisce about his past with funny stories.
He relates that he had been a math teacher in the Air Force, where it was
his duty to force sleepy young recruits to stay awake for an hour of math
at 8:00 in the morning in a large, warm, dimly-lit auditorium. One day,
he came into the auditorium and saw his class even sleepier and less attentive
than usual. He realized that something drastic would have to be done.
Now this classroom was very old, and the blackboards, which had been nailed on
to the walls with old black iron nails, had become loose over the years. As
a result, these black nails jutted almost invisibly from the blackboard and
this teacher kept banging his hands on them while erasing the board. He decided
to put them to good use.
With enough of a flourish to guarantee the class's attention, he went to the
front of the room, near one more...

A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D. C. He was also paid $50, 000 to present his find. He did a couple more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his find than to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine.
One day, after he'd been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says, "You know.... This is completely unfair."
"What do you mean?" asks the surgeon.
"Well, you get paid $50, 000 every time you do this lecture and that's more than I get paid in a year," replies the driver.
The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this more...