Lecture Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants Teaching Introductory Computer Science Courses for Non-majors LATE HOMEWORK When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late and asks for full credit, accept the late work and tell them that it will be awarded full credit. However, do inform them that you will not have time to grade it until after you complete your Ph.D. DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS 1. If students will not stop talking when the class period begins, announce that there will be a quiz the following day on today's lecture. Then leave. 2. If your students are prone to reading the school paper in class, try taking out a full page ad in the paper informing them that they are going to flunk your class. LECTURES 1. In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be sure to use the class time to stress to the class the importance of keeping up with the readings. In fact, spend most of the class time stressing this. 2. When the time comes to lecture on a subject you know more...

Bring a blowhorn. Use it when you ask or answer a question.
Heckle the professor.
Hire a video crew to come to the class. If asked about it, say that you have to tape the lecture for a friend.
Bring a water gun. Shoot the professor when his back is turned.
Get the other students in your row to do the wave.
Bring a small chalkboard to class. Ask the professor if you can borrow his chalk to take notes.
Contradict everything the professor says. Offer irrefutable scientific proof.
If it's a math lecture, claim that the professor misspelled pi.
When the professor asks a question, raise your hand. If the professor calls on you, point to someone in the next row and say "He knows." Pick a different person each time.
Buy a doll. When you go to class, leave the doll in your chair, along with your notebook and pen. Say that you have an important meeting to go to, and that the doll will be taking notes for you.
Bring a typewriter. Use it to take more...

Bring a blowhorn. Use it when you ask or answer a question.
Heckle the professor.
Hire a video crew to come to the class. If asked about it, say that you have
to tape the lecture for a friend.
Bring a water gun. Shoot the professor when his back is turned.
Get the other students in your row to do the wave.
Bring a small chalkboard to class. Ask the professor if you can borrow his
chalk to take notes.
Contradict everything the professor says. Offer irrefutable scientific
proof.
If it's a math lecture, claim that the professor misspelled pi.
When the professor asks a question, raise your hand. If the professor calls
on you, point to someone in the next row and say "He knows." Pick a different
person each time.
Buy a doll. When you go to class, leave the doll in your chair, along with
your notebook and pen. Say that you have an important meeting to go to, and that
the doll will be taking notes for you.
Bring a more...

A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000 to present his find. He did a couple more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his find than to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine.
One day, after he'd been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says, "You know... This is completely unfair."
"What do you mean?" asks the surgeon.
"Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and that's more than I get paid in a year," replies the driver.
The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this more...

Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages: In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English. Today, fathers pray their children will speak English. - -------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses. Today, it's the size of his minivan. - -------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home. - -------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera. - more...

The setting is a well know state university about six or seven years ago in a huge lecture
hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final.
Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn't very well liked. He was one of those
guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time was remaining
before the end of a test, a real charmer. Since he was so busy gallivanting around the room
making sure that nobody cheated and that everyone was aware of how much time they had left
before their failure on the test was complete, he had the students stack the completed
tests on the huge podium at the front of the room. This made for quite a mess, remember
there were 1000 students in the class.
Anyway, during this particular final, one guy entered the test needing a decent grade to
pass the class. His only problem with Calculus was that he did poorly when rushed, and this
guy standing in the front of the room more...

41. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".
42. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.
43. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
44. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".
45. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
46. Address students as "worm".
47. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
48. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
49. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.
50. Of course, more...