Legal Jokes / Recent Jokes

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times.

On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded:

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms,' It's gonna be great!'

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said,' Those more...

Alabama Dumb Laws It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
You must have windshield wipers on your car.
You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
Masks may not be worn in public.
Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
You may not drive barefooted.
It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to more...

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:

"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will--well you are wrong."

The lawyer then looked at Dan, smiled and said, "Hi Dan!"

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"

The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than the penalty for murder.

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:

Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.

Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.

Overcharging fees to many clients.

Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.

And the list goes on for quite awhile....

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."

God strolls to the gates of heaven to talk to St. Peter. He says "Peter, you look tired, why don’t you take a vacation, kick it in the Caribbean for a week or two, and I’ll watch the gates." So, St. Peter goes on vacation.

An engineer comes to the gates, God takes a look at him, and says, "You’re in the wrong place." So he turns around, feeling quite rejected, and goes down the escalator to the gates of hell. There the devil greets him with open arms. After about a week, the engineer decides hell is just too hot and uncomfortable, so he talks to the devil and arranges to have water piped in, air conditioning installed, and swimming pools built. So after a month of construction, hell is getting to be a nice tropical place to be.

God calls the devil and asks, "So, how are things down there, pretty hot, huh?"

And the devil replies," No, actually it’s pretty nice. We have an engineer down here who helped us pipe more...