Legal Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you on network marketing.

2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

7. A prison guard is shaving your head.

8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said. .."

12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge more...

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. -I know,- he says, they say' you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something. They each agree to carry out his wish.

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new more...

Did you hear about the terrorist who hijacked a plane full of lawyers?

He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't being met.

building and spots a man who looks like a doctor. The man says to the doctor, "What goes on in here?" The doctor says, "This is a research institute, and we use lawyers instead of guinea pigs for testing." The man says, "Why do you use lawyers?" The doctor says, "Well, two reasons: number one, there are so many of them. And number two, you don't get attached to them!"

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks:

"Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me,"

The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman,

"Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not more...

The gate breaks down between heaven and hell. St. Peter comes to examine the damage, and then he calls the devil.' That darn gate broke again,' he says.' It's your turn to fix it.'

'Forget it,' says the devil.' My people are too busy.'

'But we had a deal,' says St. Peter,' and if you don't honor it, I'll have to sue you for breach of contract.'

The devil laughs.' Sure you will. And just where do you expect to find a lawyer?'

The courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.

The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him in order to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, since she had been so "matter-of-fact" about the whole thing all during the trial.

"Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband?"

"Well, yeah, I guess..." she replied.

"And when was that?" pressed the attorney.

"Well, when he asked for his third cup," she said.