Let Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.' Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.' Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.' Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.' Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.' Let me tell you a story,' replied the rabbi.' A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.' Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice.' Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.' The man protested:' What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?'' No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.'

In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a nonsmoking area, " If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window, " We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, " Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, " Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, " The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop, " No appointment necessary. more...

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Born free... taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
The early bird may get the worm, more...

Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?" __________________________________________Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden. Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles. Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet! __________________________________________Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady. Mom: Well, you have done the right thing. Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap! __________________________________________Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?" Husband to wife: more...

Cabbage always has a heart;
Green beans string along.
You're such a Tomato,
Will you Peas to me belong?
You've been the Apple of my eye,
You know how much I care;
So Lettuce get together,
We'd make a perfect Pear.
Now, something's sure to Turnip,
To prove you can't be Beet;
So, if you Carrot all for me
Let's let our tulips meet.
Don't Squash my hopes and dreams now,
Bee my Honey, dear;
Or tears will fill Potato's eyes,
While Sweet Corn lends an ear.
I'll Cauliflower shop and say
Your dreams are Parsley mine.
I'll work and share my Celery,
So be my valentine.

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark…
Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
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Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.
Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense,
That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.
When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter,
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter,
I dialed up the gain and then quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.
And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded,
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE"!
On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk!
And scramble our fighters -- let's send the whole flock!
Launch more...