Library Jokes / Recent Jokes

This quiz is dedicated to all of those people who find themselves constantly roaming the net. Do you leave yourself logged in twenty-four hours a day, even when you're not home? Is your wpm typing speed higher than your IQ? Are you having trouble seeing things at distances greater than 2 feet? Yes, YOU. You know who you are.

Ok... shall we begin? Yes? 5 points... (you could've backed out.)

Unless otherwise stated, point values are as follows:
2 for (a), 4 for (b), 6 for (c), and 10 for (d).

How many valid net addresses do you have?
Multiple machines at the same site do not count.

How many hours did it take for you to create your. sig?
a) Huh?
b) More than one
c) More than five
d) I'm still looking for a really funky quote

On an average working day, how many email messages do you receive?
a) Nobody sends me any mail... sniff
b) Three, but they're all from Lester in the next cubicle over, more...

A blonde walked into a library and said, "Can I have a burger and fries?"

The librarian said, "Sorry, this is a library."

So the blonde whispered, "Can I have a burger and fries?"

Hello, my name is _____ _______ and I have a thinking problem.
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "I like more...

George W Bush will have a presidential library after he leaves office. The library will have 20,000 volumes!
This is the largest collection of coloring books the world has ever known!

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I am in shape. Round's a shape!
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.I am in shape. Round's a shape! Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students taken from the Harvard Crimson
10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80, 000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.

Top Five Lies Told By Teaching Assistants:
5. I'm not going to grant any extensions.
4. Call me any time. I'm always available.
3. It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.
2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
1. My other section is much better prepared tha you more...