Library Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. Hes met by thereception committee, andafter a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriadrecreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text ofthe Holy Scriptures, andspends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming alinguistic master, hesits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of theBible, working backfrom the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels comerunning to him, only tofind the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering,"An R! They left outthe R."God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problemis. After collectinghis wits, the Pope sobs again, "Its the letter R. .. the word wassupposed to beCELEBRATE!"

A Wisconsin woman has been arrested and booked for failing to pay her library fines. Sadly, this is not the first time she has run afoul of the law. She had a previous criminal record for jaywalking and removing a matress tag.

In what is believed was a possible act of terrorism, the personal library of President George W Bush was destroyed by a fire in the Whitehouse this morning.

Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said that the President was devastated by the event. One of the two books in the library was particularly dear to him as he hadn't finished colouring the pages.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I am in shape. Round's a shape!

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area...The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.* Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here - Your asshole is in Washington!* Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.Beauty is only a light switch away.* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.* Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?"* Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.* Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, more...

George Carlin's Reflections on Life: 1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. 2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. 3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape. 4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. 5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. 7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. 8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac? 9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is! 10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. 11. One out of every three more...

a guy walks into library, and says to the librarian,
" could i have fish and chips please"
and she says
" excuse me, this is a library "
then the guy goes (whispering)
" could i have fish and chips please "