Lift Jokes / Recent Jokes

This is especially for those lads who are planning to ski this year....

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one more...

A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips over and lands spread legged on the bathroom floor. She tries to stand up again but realizes that she landed so hard that her vagina has stuck to the floor creating such a vacuum that she can't move.
She calls out to her husband for help. He tries with all his strength to lift her up but she won't budge. So he goes next door and gets the neighbor. Both of them are pulling like oxen but she just won't move. She is truly stuck to the floor.
Suddenly the neighbor says, "Why don't we just get a hammer and break the tiles around her legs and lift her that way?"
"Great idea," says the husband, "But let me rub her boobs a little to arouse her."
"Why?" asks a confused neighbor.
"She'll need the lubrication so I can slide her over into the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there."

Thers this one time i walked into a Funeral home and theres this lady, not to be mean or anything but that lady weighed at least 350 to 400lbs and she was singing a song called"love lift me up" well i"ll tell you one thing, love aint gonna lift that lady up without a winch.

On a ski lift in Taos, NM:' No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.'
Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.
Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus. (translation of the Greek):' Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice'
A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Let's see who can go downhill the fastest.
Sign in King's Canyon in California.' Slow Parking Ahead'
A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads:' Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!'
Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you.
Seen in a health food store. "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot"
"Children left more...

A women goes in for a face lift but doesnt want to have surgery. The doctor says there is a new precedure were they put a little screw in your head and everytime you see a wrinkle you just turn it to puul your skin up. The women gets the precedure. About a year later she comes back and complains about the bags under eyes. the doctor says lady those arent bags those are your boobs and if you dont leave that screw alon your gonna have a beard.

Great Directions here for a real clean toilet!!! easy too!!!! 1. Lift both lids on your toilet bowl and add a couple of capfuls of shampoo to the water. 2. Go to the other room where the cat is sleeping, pick it up and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (You may need to stand on the lid, afterwards). The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
(Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.) 4. Flush the toilet three or four times.
(This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse") 5. Have someone open the closest door to the outside (Be sure that no one is between the toilet and the outside door.) 6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where it will dry itself. After this procedure, both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling more...

Thing to keep you occupied at the office while you avoid work!
ONE-POINT DARES
1. Run one lap around the office at top speed
2. Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other' non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).
3. Ignore the first five people who say' good morning' to you.
4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your head.
6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9. While riding in a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINTS DARES
1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with more...